God and Gays, Ex-Exodus, and Please Don't Forget Those of Us Who Experience Same-Sex Attraction

Lisa Ling hosted a very intimate show today entitled "God and Gays." It included an apology from Alan Chambers, Exodus President. It's definitely worth watching and can be seen at:

http://www.oprah.com/own-our-america-lisa-ling/our-america-blog.html

This is the comment I posted there:
"It's just too bad that Lisa Ling has yet to follow the lives of those Christians who have been attracted to the same sex yet have chosen not to act on the feelings and might even be in successful heterosexual marriages. That has been my experience. Twenty years down the road, our marriage is not dissolved, but strengthened. I realize part of the problem is that we are not as vocal. Most of us prefer to remain 'hidden' because we frequently are not accepted by any group. People from church often have a problem with us and our 'sexuality.' Those who are gay and lesbian have a problem because they think our message is one of, 'anyone can change if they just try hard enough.' That may have been the message of Exodus, but there are so many others of us who stress that everyone's experience with sexuality is different. We should be respectful of ALL people, whatever their story. I've been trying to tell mine through my blog at www.mormonsandgays.blogspot.com."

The timing is interesting, considering the fact that the Supreme Court is due to announce their decisions on Prop 8 and DOMA this week. I'm guessing that isn't by accident.

I've made several attempts to get on the news and represent a different view. Unfortunately, I've had no success. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

I Used to be a Pervert. Now I'm a Bigot.

Gays and lesbians.

Heterosexuals.

Upholders of traditional marriage.

Supporters of same-sex marriage.

Go ahead. Think of a label for some of the terms above. Many people do. That's partly why the other book I've had in the works is titled "I Used to be a Pervert. Now I'm a Bigot." It is an attempt to help people understand that there are problems on "both sides" of the marriage debate.

I believe the optimum situation in which to bring up children is with a mother and a father in the home. I do not think that women make very good fathers nor that men make very good mothers. I may be called a bigot by some, because of those views, but that certainly doesn't make me a bigot. Those beliefs do not come from hate, rather, concern for those not always considered--those yet to be born.

I know that people with same-sex attractions and those who identify as gay and lesbian are not necessarily perverts--no more, or less, than those who are heterosexually oriented. I may be called, or have been called, a pervert, especially back in the 70s and 80s when very few people dared to discuss homosexual attractions. However, because I've had those attractions, that does not make me a pervert.

One of my hopes with the book is that people will realize name-calling, and the assumption that someone can label another without even knowing them, is ridiculous. Also, I'm hoping to bring greater understanding concerning those accused of being "perverts" and those accused of being "bigots."

"Perverts" and "Bigots."

Sticks and stones may break my bones......and yes, words can hurt, too. Especially the ugly ones.

REBORN THAT WAY is FINALLY PUBLISHED!

I'm hoping the fact that I finally finished and actually printed my new book "Reborn That Way" is a half-decent excuse for being so remiss in my blog posting. Such is truly the case.

After having written "Born That Way" 20 years ago, I figured "Reborn That Way" would be the appropriate sequel, so to speak. If you're interested, click here.

And you'd think I'd just be resting from having finished that book. However, I'm busy trying to finish one for the general market titled "I Used to Be a Pervert. Now I'm a Bigot." I'm trying to get it out mid-June, in time for the Supreme Court announcements on same-sex marriage. I talk about having been lesbian, and knowing what the name-calling and harsh judgments were like with that. And now, being a Mormon who believes in the importance of traditional marriage, I know what the name-calling and harsh judgments are like. Just because I do not think that a woman makes a very good father and I do not think a man makes a very good mother, that doesn't make me a bigot.

Anyway, I'll let you know when THAT book is complete. Hopefully I'll manage to post again before then.

Stepping Stones or Stumbling Blocks?

I've been thinking a lot about trials lately and how to best handle them. One of our daughters has been going astray in a variety of ways, and our other two children have been struggling with totally different things. There is so much hurt and pain involved, for the whole family. It has been easy for me to be miserable and difficult for me to be happy.

However, I've been thinking that working toward happiness during trials is worth the effort. In the past, I've thought I'd be happy once the current trial was over, forgetting that there were more trials around the corner. That's how earth life is set up, after all. We are proving ourselves and we're being refined.

In his book, Spiritual Plateaus, Glen L. Pace talks about trials and how they can either be stepping stones or stumbling blocks. I have started thinking about the refinement that is happening for our family (whether we want it or not). I've also been trying to view our trials as stepping stones. The Lord must trust that we can handle this and I'm sure it's part of the divine plan, even with a daughter headed in the opposite direction.

So, when I start to feel the pain of our trials, I'm trying to remember that these things really will benefit us. Frankly, I used to be bugged by the scripture D&C 122:7 where it talks about all the severe trials Joseph Smith could face and then it says they're good for him. 

It says, in part, "if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."

Usually sarcastically I'd say, "Oh yeah, this is going to be for my good. Right." Well, I suppose I'm having a change of heart with regard to this scripture because now I'm looking to it for comfort. I'm working hard to view trials that way. To make them stepping stones rather than stumbling blocks. To remember that these things really do give me experience and will be for my good.

We're going to have trials no matter what–even when we're obedient, just ask Joseph Smith. So, I can either face trials with more courage, faith and optimism or I can be miserable.

I know which one I'm choosing. Now I just have to figure out how to live it.

The Anchor

One of my funny childhood memories took place on our boat out on the lake. We had pulled into a cove with a beach that couldn't be accessed very well. So, my dad asked my brother to throw out the anchor. He did just that. However, he neglected to notice that the rope wasn't tied to it. So, we watched as the anchor sank deeper and deeper into the water until we couldn't see it anymore. There was a steep drop off near the beach and the water became deep rather quickly. Despite many dives down, the anchor was never found.

I thought about this story just the other day and, for the first time, I equated it with life here on earth. The Savior is our anchor. He is the anchor for all humankind. But there are many people who do not believe in Christ or do not follow him. They fail to attach themselves to the anchor so they don't have that sure and steady connection. Their lives can easily be affected by any wind of doctrine, especially the ever-growing popularity of the world which encourages people to do whatever feels good. The anchor falls deeper and deeper with nothing attached to it.

Even those of us who believe in Christ and choose to follow him, who hold onto the anchor, can be tossed around a bit through adversity and temptations. Sometimes that will weaken our connection to the anchor and our lives can get off course. We need to constantly check to make sure our connection is secure. If it isn't, we need to do whatever we can to strengthen it.

Sometimes I get so busy I forget to check. And when I forget to check, that in and of itself seems to weaken my connection to the Savior.

An anchor does us no good if we aren't securely connected to it.

I just like that analogy and thought I'd share it.

Post Valentine's Day Look at Love

A friend of mine got me thinking about love yesterday. Not just romantic love, but all kinds of love. Especially the highest love of all: charity, the pure love of Christ. I started thinking about how difficult it can be to keep love pure, in all sorts of situations with all sorts of people. I thought about pure love with regard to my children. It is difficult to avoid manipulating in attempts to get them to obey. And to avoid having a "natural man" response when they're busy acting out from their "natural child." Charity can hurt, too, when you have so much love for a child and have to watch him or her making poor choices while exercising agency. That pain continues for me. I suppose it may for quite some time. However, I am getting better about doing all I can, loving purely, and turning the rest over to the Lord.

I also thought of the difference between having charity toward a person and avoiding feelings that are inappropriate. I haven't struggled with that for many years, but I started thinking about how I got to this place.

There was a lot of praying, a lot of introspection, and a fair amount of therapy. I remember the last time I ran into my therapist's office, in a panic, and said that I'd met a woman I felt attracted to. I started into the old, "See, I haven't changed a bit! I've done all this work, put in all this time, and tried so hard to avoid relationships. And here are these feelings again. I really am gay and I'm just avoiding the inevitable!"

In a calm voice, my (LDS) therapist replied, "Of course you've changed. You've avoided inappropriate relationships. You've been living true to your covenants. You've gained a greater understanding of yourself and what it takes for you to be more faithful. Just because old feelings come back up, that doesn't mean you're in the same old place. That's a lie that Satan would like you to believe."

After that, my reactions to women I thought were attractive began to change. Rather than thinking, or even feeling, that I wanted a same sex relationship, I called to mind, and to heart, the feelings of conflict, guilt, and pain those relationships caused. The "natural reaction" is to reminisce about the exciting and rewarding parts of those relationships. Just remembering or longing for those relationships tends to bring momentary pleasure. I came to learn that even experiencing that momentary pleasure ended up causing pain and conflict. I learned that calling to mind all the negatives and the reasons why I decided to leave same sex relationships were far more helpful and healthful. Over time, it became easier and easier to resist the reminiscing and, instead, to remember the equally strong reasons for leaving.

I guess you could say it has been an exercise in educating and training my desires, which Elder Neal A. Maxwell discusses in his talk, "According to the Desire of our Hearts." It's a great talk, definitely worth a listen.

Charity, the pure love of Christ, is so important in all aspects of our lives and in our various relationships. "Charity never faileth." (Moro. 7:46.) And how many things can you say that about?

 

Pain and Love

I suppose I should accept the fact that my posts will be further apart than I originally anticipated. This time, rather than being busy with a book I was busy with one of my children. She is really struggling, hence, I'm really struggling.

I do not know how a mother can have a child in pain and not be in pain herself. I know the separation is important. I also know the connection is important, too. It is how children remain cared for, by a mother who feels the weight of the matter. It has been weighing me down though, too much so I'm afraid.

Pain is a tricky thing to manage. Some current situation that causes pain almost always seems to be connected to past situations, too. Next thing you know, the pain grows exponentially. Especially with a child. There is pain, and there are painful questions.

How can I help? What could I have done differently? What can I do differently now? Why do I feel so powerless? How can I maintain a certain quality of mothering for my other children as I go off to help "the one?" How can pain run so deep? How can I get past it?

I have said it before and will likely say it again. Suffering from my own pain in my life has been extremely difficult. Suffering from my children's pain has been incomprehensible. The love I have for them makes me so vulnerable. But that is part of being a mother, I suppose.

I certainly know much better how our Heavenly Parents feel about us, especially when we suffer and struggle and even go astray. Like the story of the Prodigal Son. The father sees his son returning from afar off and is so excited. He doesn't even know whether or not the son is coming back to stay or just dropping by for a visit. It doesn't matter. He just loves him, even though and especially because he felt such pain when his son left.

I guess love and pain go hand in hand.

I like love a lot better.