Pain and Love

I suppose I should accept the fact that my posts will be further apart than I originally anticipated. This time, rather than being busy with a book I was busy with one of my children. She is really struggling, hence, I'm really struggling.

I do not know how a mother can have a child in pain and not be in pain herself. I know the separation is important. I also know the connection is important, too. It is how children remain cared for, by a mother who feels the weight of the matter. It has been weighing me down though, too much so I'm afraid.

Pain is a tricky thing to manage. Some current situation that causes pain almost always seems to be connected to past situations, too. Next thing you know, the pain grows exponentially. Especially with a child. There is pain, and there are painful questions.

How can I help? What could I have done differently? What can I do differently now? Why do I feel so powerless? How can I maintain a certain quality of mothering for my other children as I go off to help "the one?" How can pain run so deep? How can I get past it?

I have said it before and will likely say it again. Suffering from my own pain in my life has been extremely difficult. Suffering from my children's pain has been incomprehensible. The love I have for them makes me so vulnerable. But that is part of being a mother, I suppose.

I certainly know much better how our Heavenly Parents feel about us, especially when we suffer and struggle and even go astray. Like the story of the Prodigal Son. The father sees his son returning from afar off and is so excited. He doesn't even know whether or not the son is coming back to stay or just dropping by for a visit. It doesn't matter. He just loves him, even though and especially because he felt such pain when his son left.

I guess love and pain go hand in hand.

I like love a lot better.

Last Year's Resolutions

So, I started this blog last month. I made a commitment to myself that I wouldn't go more than a week between blogs, and I wanted to write two or three times a week.

Of course, that was last year when I said that. And, I just went almost two weeks between blogs. So maybe I can just say that was one of last year's resolutions, which I didn't break until this year. And I haven't really broken this year's resolution, mostly because I didn't make any this year.

All of that sounds like pretty good rationalizing, as long as I'm just saying it to myself. But that's the trouble with blogs. Other people read what you're thinking. And I have to write it. Which reveals the flaws in my reasoning/rationalizing rather quickly.

Actually,  I have been busy finishing up one of last year's resolutions. And I really did complete it. I decided that I would finish my book, Reborn That Way, by the end of the year. I finished it right about when I predicted. Even a little earlier. I figured I'd finish it on New Year's Eve at 11:58, just in time to join the kids in a little pot and pan banging.

Actually, I finished at 10:05. One hour and 53 minutes early. Then I emailed it to a content editor.

Of course, the editor made changes. And I have been busy working on those, including some major changes to one of the chapters. So, there is a legitimate reason for my lapse in blogging. That doesn't really matter, though. I just want to do better.

Hey, perhaps I just made a New Year's Resolution. And I like it. For all aspects of my life, for the year.

I just want to do better.

Holiday Depression or a Holiday from Depression

I struggle with depression. Sometimes it's severe. Sometimes it's not so bad. Either way, it is persistent. I'll give it that.

I know that a fair number of people who suffer from holiday depression, for a wide variety of reasons. They include: unmet expectations, fond memories of Christmases past that pale in comparison to Christmas present, painful memories of difficult Christmases past that intrude upon Christmas present, high stress trying to get ready for Christmas followed by the letdown of when it's over, and so on.

I often get to take a holiday from my depression during the Christmas season. I take time to listen to my favorite Christmas music, Christmas devotionals and Mo Tab Christmas specials that allow me to bask in the spirit of the season. I must confess, I forgot to do that this season. I guess I got too distracted to take the time to feel good. Seems a bit silly, now that I think about it. I mean, I did listen to and watch several inspiring shows. I had some really good moments. But I didn't make room in my heart for the Christ child to stay very long.

Fortunately, it's not too late. Christmas might be over but Christ is not. And honestly, nothing helps me take a holiday from my depression more than making room for the light of Christ to burn brightly.

Depression is dark. Christ is Light. I know which one I prefer.

Nobody Cried

My idea of a successful Christmas, for the past several years, has been if none of my children cry on Christmas day. They've been known to cry because they didn't get the gifts they wanted or another sibling got the gift they wanted or the day was too short or too long or something or other.

This year, nobody cried.

Perhaps it's because my children are getting older. My oldest is 17. The youngest is 12. Perhaps it's because I listened carefully to what they wanted, purchased the gifts, and nobody changed their mind at the last minute. Or, perhaps it's just the luck of the draw. I don't know.

But this year, I am grateful.

Not so much because nobody cried on Christmas day. I am grateful for that, to be sure. But I am grateful that we are a family, that we're still a family. That we seem to have weathered the storms, against the odds in many cases, and we're still afloat. We've taken on water. We've had our trials and we're still struggling through them. But it seems that, so far, right has prevailed.

I love it when right prevails.

Respectful Mormon Stories

I was supposed to participate in a podcast about the Church's new mormonsandgays.org website last night with John Dehlin and Mormon Stories. They sent out an email to let me know the recording has been postponed until next week. I wasn't really sure who else would be participating, but I did notice that Mitch Mayne's name was on the email. He is the openly gay man who serves as the executive secretary in his San Francisco ward.

With regard to the Church's new site, Mitch stated in the Salt Lake Tribune that the church needs to move beyond talk of "feelings of same-sex attraction since being gay is about sexual orientation, which encompasses much more than feelings.... Any time we can use the word ‘gay’ instead of same-sex attraction, I feel hope that we may be emerging from our misguided, primitive history on how we understand what it really means to be an LGBT individual".

I can see why using the term "gay" would be important for someone who identifies as gay, an LGBT individual. However, avoiding the term "same-sex attraction" discounts the feelings of those who prefer not to identify as gay. I do not find my same-sex attraction to be an identity, rather, just a part of who I am. Those feelings have changed dramatically for me over the years. I can say, and feel on a very deep level, that I am grateful I am not in a lesbian relationship and that I have the life I do with my husband and three children. I know I am living the life that God wants me to live, and the life I want to live.

I also realize that everyone's journey is different. I, for one, am glad that the Church uses the term "same-sex attraction" as well as our "gay and lesbian brothers and sisters" on the new website. I see the language as being inclusive and I think that's important.

I'm hoping the podcast won't turn into a big argument with several different points of view being adamantly defended. I'm hoping it will be inclusive and respectful of everyone's different viewpoints. That it can be a discussion that creates greater understanding rather than more contention. After all, there has already been plenty of contention with regard to this topic.

I guess I'll find out next week.

It's Mother Approved!

I have to say, I was really concerned about how my mom would react to my presence on the LDS SSA website and the article about me in the Deseret News. She knows about my past. She's read Born That Way? But it has been somewhat difficult for her, in a Mormon culture, to have a daughter talk about such a previously taboo topic. (I'm just going to assume the website and the discussions surrounding it are helping to lessen the taboo-ness.)

Anyway, even though we live in the same town, I received a card from my mom today. I was very pleasantly surprised by what she had to say.

Mom wrote: "I want to tell you I have always been proud to be your mother. And never more so than when I read your article in the Deseret News. You've always been courageous but that was certainly the ultimate challenge.... You have risked your own comfort zone to help to bring love and understanding to those among us that have to deal with same-sex attraction. I have several friends with sons struggling to find their place in the Lord's plan. So, God bless you for your courage and that of Dallas and the girls. I love you and support you and your cause."

Wow, that's HUGE for my mom. I mean, she wasn't embarrassed, like I thought she might be. Instead, she was proud. That's how far off I was in estimating her reaction.

I'm trying to reiterate the point that we really don't know how people will react if we disclose. Sure, it might be negatively. But in my experience, there have been far, far more who have reacted with love, acceptance and support.

And couldn't we all use a little more of that?

The Emporer's New Clothes

It has been a week since the article about me ran in the Deseret News and just over a week since the Church's website was released. I must admit, I've felt rather vulnerable--putting that much information about myself out there, along with my photo and my real name. It's something like the Emporer parading about in public in his new clothes, only I knew I was naked. Exposed to whatever might come.

I'm happy to report that the responses have almost all been positive. I must say, it's a strange feeling to have people from my past wards, who didn't necessarily know all my history, contact me and express their support. It has been greatly appreciated, while feeling a bit uncomfortable at the same time. Perhaps they felt the same way--like they were reading a lot of personal information about me,  more than would normally be shared, but they expressed gratitude and admiration nonetheless. It was reaffirming for me, at a time when I could really use it.

I was also grateful because all of this has served as impetus for me to finish my second book, Reborn That Way. As I worked on it this past week, I felt buoyed up by those who expressed their support of me and what I was doing. I even contacted Deseret Book to see if they'd be interested in publishing it. I guess we'll soon find out.

An uncle called to say he and my cousins were behind me all the way. A friend from California sent me a text of gratitude. So did someone I hardly knew from Idaho. One woman from a previous ward contacted me via Facebook, another through my blog on North Star. Someone else wrote a letter, another emailed me through a third party, and several contacted me by phone.

I guess my point is that if you've been keeping part of yourself secret, you may want to consider sharing (although maybe not quite so publicly). You can determine who you think might best receive the news and be supportive. You might feel a bit exposed, downright naked for a time, but the sacrifice could be well worth it.

After all, keeping stuff secret often leads to shame. And no one should have to live with that. There are far better ways to live.

With gratitude and hope in Christ, for instance.